-Catch up on "Greek" and "Southland" (good cop show. Very happy Ben McKenzie is the only "OC" alum with a job. Suck it, Adam Brody)

-Buy spraypaint and decorate my two dollar Ikea frames that are boring

-Transplant my herb starts to pots (and buy "herbs", I'm speaking of basil and oregano)

-Become old and boring

. . .

Oh, wait! Already am.

Check that one off the list.

My very first mp3 player has been retired.

*depressed*

St. Jimmy refuses to charge. I'll get fifteen minutes before he quits. That plus the computer software which is now obsolete. I refuse to upgrade. It took an entire day to export files.

So, I had a funeral for him last night. Wrapped him up in his cords and buried him in my armoire.

Being the sick pervert that I am, his replacement was charging on my desk. I bought an ipod classic, if only so I could watch "Dr. Horrible" when I'm bored.

St. Jimmy II (not feeling very creative) is OK. I can't kill anybody with him so it's not as awesome.

Viva la musique!

I always hear from East-Coast people that the West-Coast has no sense of humor (I'm looking at you, Em). We're too serious, don't get the jokes, are too PC to enjoy "real" humor, blah blah blah.

Here's a question: What if East-Coast people just aren't funny?

BOOM!

The East-Coast prides itself on a mix of Jewish sarcasm and irony. False sense of outrage, no means yes and yes means no (which makes me wonder how rape laws are structured over there. "Hey, I thought she was foolin'! Ay oh!").

The key to sarcasm is tone. Let's pass over irony because really, irony is just a matter of opinion. Your irony is my schaudenfreud. I'm happy shit didn't go your way.

When you are being sarcastic, it is important to sound overly-serious. High school condom talk serious. That way, someone (not always the intended target of your humor rath) will understand this is comedy. When that is the way you sound all the time, it's not humor. You are a self-important asshole making a lame attempt at the funny.

In conclusion, suck my dick East-Coast.

Lemme tell you a story:

Senior year of high school. I'm hanging out at Julia's pad with Molly. It's the weekend Julia's folks were away and we got to house-sit. A full weekend of hot pockets, bad horror movies, and bitching about people we hated.

One night, Molly plugs a CD into the player. I recognize the song. I recognize the next. To tell the truth, I know and love 75% of the tracks. I go, "Molly, what is this?"

Reply: "It's the greatest hits of Green Day."

I was a fan without knowing.

Flash forward to this morning. I'm checkuing email before writing, doing my thing. EW asks me to take a survey Who doesn't love market research disguised as pop culture surveys. I take it, and it asks if I regularly visit www.whedonesque.com

It get's me thinking. Why the hell aren't I visiting that site four times a day.

Answer: I am retarded.

For those of you who saw the Obama joint session address, the Repulican response, and any episode of "30 Rock":

I didn't know the governor of Louisiana was also Kenneth the Page!

"Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name. "

http://swampland.blogs.time.com/2009/02/25/jai-no/

Who watched "Dollhouse" last week?

For the latest package of Joss Whedon's gifts to the world, I had fun. Not the best out there; certainly can't compete with 2nd-to-6th season "Buffy" or mid-to-end series "Firefly". But, it was the pilot and there are faults that can be forgiven.

His characters can be bland or off during the pilot. Where was the mopey, crybaby Angel during "Welcome to the Hellmouth" or "The Harvest"? Locked in a cabinet? Along with the hotness of Hot-Doctor in "Serenity"? So, I guess I can overlook the blah-ness of Evil Doctor/Head of the Company Lady or the annoyance of Computer Nerd/Wannabe Andrew if it promises the introductions of Willows/Caylees and Washes/Freds and Spikes/Mals

It felt more "Alias" than a Whedon adventure. Wigs, double-crosses, advanced technology, girl involved with the wrong people, attractive-yet-troubled government agent in the wings. Hopefully we'll avoid awkward accents (hello, SMG on "Halloween"). But again, "Buffy" begat "Alias", so similarities would abound.

Too much exposition. I know, funny to be saying that about a Mutant Enemy production. Take the entire series of "BtVS" and Giles's "Well, this is because . . ." speeches would extend episodes one on up to "Graduation Day". Pilot. I forgive.

Eliza Dushku . . . nothing can compair to Faith. She was a masterpiece of fantastic writing and off-the-walls kookiness from the actress. I have very high hopes from her. And, if you are nervous because she's normally Ms. Bad-Ass, watch "Who Are You". She did a better Sarah Michelle Gellar than SMG could.

Where did the funny go? I await it next episode. Again, exposition.

Here is what I need to become an addict:
-Awesome camraderie from the featured actors.
-Intense sexual tension between the male/female leads.
-The Funny
-Exploration of the character's faults
-Swear words in Chinese/Pop culture references
-Death

So, let's see how episode two fairs tonight

*sitting at my computer, in my pjs, wondering what the fuck I want for my birthday. actually searching google for gift ideas for myself*

Sigh.

In a little over two weeks, I turn 24. The ambivilence I feel about this rates around my thoughts of Swedish exports and my desire for an Escalade with spinners.

Let's call it something: pre-quarterlife blahs, the soon-to-be deep depression episode I'll be hospitalized for, being possesed by sentient beings with a plan.

A) I am not sure I want to do anything for my birthday. Last year was a letdown. B) Even if I do, there is no bar/club I wish to occupy in the metro area.

Mopey Lauren. I guess I'm depressed at this lack of accomplishment. Yes, I graduated college. Yes, I have a good paying job. But is this it? Is this all I have to look forward to?

I apologize. That's just my irrational fear of 30 and the end of my fun days talking.

Besides, all sorts of fun shit is looming. Buying a apartment/home. Repaying my student loans. Skipping my high school reunion.

But as my mom likes to remind me weekly, "I was engaged at your age."

. . .

Bitch.

Happy day! New president, new epic shit to overcome!

Finally saw the "Twilight" movie. Mimi got mom into the books and I was politely forced to tag along. Nothing but gushing about the flick, and then rage that I did not share the Kool-Aid. I know many people here are fans, so in the most eloquent way possible, here is why I dislike the "Twilight" franchise:

-Let us not forget that the overall theme is about a girl who gives up everything- her independence, her youth, even her life- because a cute boy looked at her.

-There is nothing "romantic" about Edward. He is possessive, creepy (it's not cute when a boy sneaks into your room to watch you sleep), and hintingly abusive. When he "can't control" himself when she's around, feed those words into a 45-year-old married police officer, and you got yourself a hit woman.

-What does Bella want? What are her hobbies? What does she want to do for a career? What gets her up in the morning? What can she not survive without? the fact that one thing can answer all these important questions means somebody slept through Creative Writing 101.

-Lest we forget, how about that racism? You put the ruled-by-passion, hot-blooded, uncivilized, superstitious "werewolves" against the calm, blue-blooded, logical, worldly "vampires". And who wins? Read "Gone with the Wind" if you ain't sure.

-Vampire lore is such a rich tradition of literature, going all the way back to the Torah with Cain and Able. "Dracula". "Nosferatu". "The Dark Shadows". "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". So why the hell do we have vampires impervious to stakes, holy water, and who only shy away from the sun because they fucking glitter? You cannot use a genre if you aren't going to acknowlege it! Explain it away, label it a misconception, but for god's sake don't treat it with such disdain!

-There is more melodrama in this series than a month-long marathon of "My Super Sweet Sixteen".

All in all, my life would be pretty much the same had I not read three of the boks or seen the movie. Though I would have an extra few hours to bake.

I heart the new icon! Thanks Mimi!

Glad everybody had an OK New Year's. I spent the evening drinking wine and watching "LOTR" and "Deep Blue Sea".

Just for information's sake, I hate New Year's. I hate being in crowded, noisy bars, on on crowded, noisy streets surrounded by drunk morons. Fuck it. I stay away and drink in the privacy of my home. There, I can be all the drunken moron I need (even though I wasn't drunk this time).

2009 has started well. The economy's inching up, Obama's days away from wiping away the racing stripe in the underwear of America (the Bush administration), and I saw "Benjamin Button" and had a re-inspiration for my book (almost fucking done).

Otherwise, I resolve to be awesome. And to kick ass.

List of Best Things from 2008:
1) Got a full-time job
2) Got a car
3) Went to New York City
4) Amy and the Smiley Fries incident
5) Discovered IKEA
6) Made pretentious my drinking preferences (martinis, merlot, and champagne)
7) Got $350 from my old insurance company for not canceling service
8) Saw something so awesome I'm still not allowed to say
9) Found out that, last Christmas, my mom smoked a bowl

That's it. 2008 sucked too much to make it a top 10 list.

I think the only reason why the Powers-That-Be invented the MP3 player was so that I could sit in traffic and skip the songs I don't want to hear.

If you haven't seen my personal player, the gigantic beast, let me explain. Saint Jimmy (I name shit, get over it) is 3x4, coming in close to a pound in weight. A big silver monolith capable of causing concussions if thrown at heads.

Saint Jimmy gets a lot of shit from the ipod obsessed. The Mac-sheep criticize his weight, bulkiness, and lack of screen bells/whistles. To them, I say "Nay." Though not cute to look at, my MP3 player survived multiple drops, being sat on a good percentage of its life, and probably would live through nuclear holocausts. Plus, though it was a gift, this $200 player holds twice the music as its similarly-priced brethren.

Suck on that, Mac-philes.

The only thing is: when paired up with my vehicle, Saint Jimmy and Juliet pick the shittiest music to listen to. I went through a great purge in my music collection because it's been years since I listened to TLC (and for some reason, why the hell did I put their CD on my computer).

For every one good song, I get twenty tracks I have no desire to listen to, whether it be extreme hatred or at-the-moment apathy. I have to switch to the radio every so often just because I get so angry.

So endeth the griping.

What happens to lady astronauts when they are on the rag? Are they responsible for packing tampons and/or pads, or is it included in the space shuttle? I wonder if they plan for it. "Well, we'll be up for two weeks. Better bring some Tampax". Changing must be difficult, unable to get the applicator in correctly while you're bumping against the ceiling. Also, are they aloud to dump it in the bathroom disposal, or is it like those old restaurants where you wrap it up? The pipes are too small and even a minute tampon can cause hell. That's no way to treat a person. If the customer is always right, then I shouldn't have to toss my monthly waste into the garbage.

ABC Family is developing a new TV show.

"10 Things I Hate About You"

Yeah, based on the very awesome movie from my delicate teenage years.

It's like finding Winnie the Pooh's corpse in a dilapidated crack house.

(Extra 's' for badassery).

It has yet to be written, but I've already come up with my memoir title.

"Awesome: A Story of Me"

That being said, this week will pretty much rock. The 'rents are in Loughlin, NV for vacay so the Doo and I have the house to ourself. I'm taking Wednesday off for some R&R, baking cookies and watching movies. Full reign in the kitchen is a thing of awesomeness, and I get to watch "Prison Break" live without my mom complining. F' her. She watches "Private Practice" and the thankfully soon-to-be-deceased "Lipstick Jungle".

Yah.

(It figures- on a happy day, something always keeps balance)

I know Harry Potter fans. A lot of Harry Potter fans. Nearly all of my friends have a deep love for the kid-wizard, something which escapes me. On the release of the final movie, I predict people like Mimi and Em will post long epics dedicated to the beloved series. Occasionally, I am frequently asked (mostly by the two above) why I am not a fan of JK Rowling or the series. I shrug, mumble something about it not being a cup of tea I enjoy, and hope the talk of gay Dumbledore and "how much I cried when Hedwig died" will pass.

I discovered a main reason yesterday: I already had a JK Rowling in my life.

Ironically, I made this connection the day after he died.

From the moment I began reading adult literature, I've adored Michael Crichton. From the first line I read in "Sphere" up to his latest (and now last) novel, I've devoured his books. There is no shame in my literary love for anything Crichton. His works might not be award-winning, they might not be as respected, but I adore these paperbacks more than a first edition of "Pride and Prejudice" could ever merit.

It all stems from my secret obsession with fringe and theory-based science. Time-travel, computer implants in brains, genetic and viral mutations, nano technology, and the all-encompassing morality surrounding each and every scientific discovery. Michael Crichton broke these outlandish theories and experimentations into something digestable for the non-physicist, which I was at age 12 and still am.

The thing was, he was one of the few people to ask questions about our future and the role science will play in it. I might not have agreed with all his conclusions (the causes of global warming especially), but I understood how important it was to bring encompass sociology and a hint of morality into progress. Money should not be the one-and-only drive to further genetic manipulation or the uses of quantum mechanics. There might not be a god, but that does not mean scientists should assume that role.

And who doesn't like books about dinosaurs eating people and spitting poison?

I feel a great sadness in thinking about his death. He contributed to my current existance: a thoughtful, avid reader of books. Hell, one sentence in "The Lost World" made me realize I am an atheist! That is how much his books have contributed to my life and education! And to suddenly know all I have in bookshelves (save the few early works I haven't purchased yet) is all there will be- it's a little difficult to process.

I'm sure the Slytherins and Quiddich players out there can sympathize.

Yah!

By the way, my internet at home is not working. Maybe President-Elect Obama can send some magic my way so I can read Perez Hilton in my pjs.

To everyone who is legally allowed to vote, I hope you do so.

It would be a lie to say "I don't care who you vote for- JUST VOTE". The truth is, don't tell me who you voted for.

Tell you where I'll be 6.5 hours from now- on my ass watching the Daily Show coverage.

Happy Halloween, my pets!

Looking forward to an evening of alcohol. I'll be at Molly's drowning vodka right after a chili dog feast at home.

And after last year's poverty Halloween (no money, no going out), I dressed up this year. Girl with Low Self-Esteem. I pinned a piece of black foam core to my boobs (censor bar) and threw on some Mardi Gras beads. Way to try.

Hope everyone enjoys the holiday, stays safe. And doesn't listen to any shitty Halloween music. Except "Ghostbusters", which is basically Huey Lewis's "I Want a New Drug" set to ghosts.

Kisses!

Guess what I love almost as much as money? Why, TV silly!

Here is my annual "TV is Awesome, Watch What I Tell You and Hate What I Hate" post.

New and Fantastic
Fringe: I never watched "The X-Files". The one and only (I think) episode I watched involved a guy putting voodoo dolls into a microwave and then burning his mother alive in her bed. Not something to watch at 10PM when you're nine. "Fringe" combines an "X-Files" type of weird crime show with a toned-down J.J. Abrams. I could, though I wouldn't, skip an episode and not be confused to hell. Big potential to go overboard in the ways of Fuckhead Past-Scientologist Abrams, but still positive right now.

Better than Ever
Prison Break: They brought Dr. Sarah back, killed off Whistler, and are just making every episode a whole lot of fun. Glad that the Panama season was only 13 episodes because that got boring after episode one.

Gossip Girl: Why do I get the suspicion that "GG" is always 1 to 2 episodes away from becoming "The OC" seasons 2 and 3 (when it sucked)? And, a feat always tough to match, I still care about the characters. Well, except Jenny the Brat and Rufus, Worst Father Ever. They need to swim in a vat of hydrochloric acid.

Grey's Anatomy: Thank god I no longer have to endure the will they/won't they bullshiznet of Derek and Meredith. Or George and Izzie (ick). To top it all off . . . Lucius Vorenus!

Pushing Daisies: Love!

Fix Shit Up
The Office: So, the plan is to get Jim and Pam together . . . and then keep them physically apart? Jan already had "Michael's" baby without telling him? People be smoking crack.

End It Now
Chuck: Don't care. Don't care about stupid Chuck and his stupid brain. Don't care about his retarded adventures. Don't even care that Jane is sort of awesome in it. This show can go to hell. Besides, I've been missing "Terminator" because my mom tivo's this shit.

Heroes: Was cool in the first season. Was pointless season one finale. Was uber stupid season two. I no longer care about anybody on this show save the sociopath with the eyebrows, that lovely Sylar. Lots of people need to die, or it needs to be ditched.